I should have seen the signs?
Why would he leave me like this?
I saw the depression, I tried to help, but why suicide, why now?
I thought he was joking drunk?
Did she really mean to do this?
What am I going to do without him?

If you have asked these or other questions related to loss by suicide, you are not alone. According to the CDC in 2022, suicide was (and is) one of the leading causes of death in the USA with a staggering 30% increase over the past 20 years. Men die by suicide nearly 4 times more than women and senior adults are much more likely to die from suicide than any other age range.  Millions of survivors are left in the sudden quake of this traumatic aftershock.

Sudden Distress / Complicated Grief

While there is much attention given to suicide and prevention efforts, there is lacking attention and resources for those left behind. Death by suicide is still murder and taboo on top of that…especially in faith-based circles. The stigma seems to follow the survivors and many times isolates them from others. Finding comfort for those people whose loved ones chose to end their own lives may be difficult. Let’s explore finding wholeness in the process of complicated grieving with considerations of trauma. Then, we must hold to regaining hope, coping through such chaos, adjust to the loss, and somehow find meaning.

Processing the Loss

Shock, Trauma, Anger

Grieving loss of a loved one due to a medical condition or a tragic accident is painful enough. However, when the death is at the hand of the loved one, it raises so many complications. Questions are asked, painful feelings of guilt, shame, fear, and anger along with doubts, confusion, spinning thoughts, and disbelief surface. Reactions of frantic anxiety, depressive or angry outbursts may occur. Further, this event prompts immediate pressing matters. This generally includes police involvement, medical examination, various people becoming inquisitive, funeral arrangements, financial concerns, and other such matters.

If you witnessed the death, had to identify the body, or learn about the death from another, this may trigger post-traumatic stress. Initial shock may overtake you where you may feel numb (or “freeze”), become highly frightened, become argumentative, or may want to “runaway”.  Along with other feelings, thoughts and behaviors, this initial shock may prompt you to not believe it actually happened or “shut down” emotionally.  Further, some survivors resort to addictions to cope. Initially this may help with the shock and trauma. However, this usually will shut off resolving the traumatic event causing more pain and heartache for self and others.  We have found very often that those clients who know they are prone to addiction will seek help immediately.

Other Changes

Due to the traumatic event, complicated grieving ensues prompting various changes. Anger arises. Many times it seems random or may not have any point to it. For example, snapping at your children, a partner, family member, co-worker, or others who may come across as irritating. You may isolate from others, wanting to be alone to avoid painful feelings or memories of the event. Other changes may occur such as being forgetful of basic things, feeling “lost” in your routine, or feeling overwhelmed with complex matters. You may notice changes in appetite or sleep. Recognize that although these changes are common or normal, they can be very distressing. This is also a time when many people will begin to seek professional help for what they are going through.

Trying to Make Sense of It All

Wrestling with the loss, struggling with blame from the loved one (via a left note, past arguments, etc.) vs self-blame is common. Guilt, though it may not seem logical, is a very strong emotion that comes up.  Survivor’s guilt especially pops up. “If only I would have…”, “What if…” and other haunting expressions are made by survivors. This grappling experience is painful yet necessary to help one release from the grip of the pain. Relief will come. As an encouraging note: many survivors who went through counseling want other survivors to know “it’s not your fault”.

The Weight of It All

Emotional exhaustion is another aspect to recognize. This is subtle and may not be easily understood. Yes, we all get tired, have times of feeling worn out, but the heaviness of internal emotions goes beyond the physical. Anguish, sadness, depression zaps our energy. You may find yourself saying, “I got to sit down…”, “I’m so tired I just want to rest”. Also, pondering, “What’s the use?”, “My life is meaningless”, “What can I do now?”, “How can I go on?” This weightiness and milling of expressions occur at different times through this malaise of complicated grieving.  This where the temptation is to ignore support, curl up and isolate. Don’t. Gather your courage and seek help from a compassionate, empathetic, supportive counselor who will walk alongside of you.

Trying to Move on/Adjusting

Give yourself permission to adjust, to hold onto hope, accepting the loss. Part of acceptance is taking ownership for your grief and validate others to do the same for their grief. This occurs as time progresses, as we face our fears, heal from the trauma and find solace beyond the tragedy. Further, when we surround ourselves with supportive people – family, friends, clergy, counselors, and others we sojourn together allowing others to help bear the load with us.

Finding Meaning with Purpose and Self-Care

Wanting to find meaning after such a devastating loss may seem difficult to believe. However, this search for meaning may be seen as existential…part of existing on this earth. “Why am I here?”, “What value does this hold?”, “How do I grow from all of this?”

Grief is grief for each one of us. We experience it differently in different ways, in different times of our life’s journey. We will glean various nuggets of wisdom as we sift through the pieces forming a collage of beauty. This brings us meaning, purpose, and belonging.  This happens when we incorporate our grief into the fibers of our lives. It is a part of us. We didn’t choose it, but we can choose to find meaning through it all.  Honor the loved one who died, honor yourself and bring hope to others.

Allow us the opportunity here with Pathways Counseling Services to walk alongside you during this difficult time. We provide private, compassionate, and supportive counseling in an accepting and non-judgmental environment.  When you are ready, reach out. When you are encouraged by others to reach out, honor their concern and value of you.