Within the human spirit lives a need for belonging, purpose, value, acceptance, and connection with others. To confirm these needs come the process of bonding and attachment. With certain loved ones who we share a strong bond, the impact of loss feels more devastating to us. When that life connection slips away over time or suddenly is lost, we will experience grief. Though we may not necessarily understand it, we certainly feel it in our souls. This is where grieving loss and being supportive come together.

The Grieving of the Griever

When a loved one dies, our most common response is grief.  This is a deep anguish within our being that has its own weight and character. We seem to form it from multiple sources rushing in or seeping into our spirit. Disbelief, confusion, pain, anger, exhaustion, questions, and at times relief. Further, there is sadness, grappling with decisions made, trying to come to acceptance…to find meaning through the loss.

Experiencing the dying and death of a loved one is like a crescendo that seems to play on and on. It has trills, clangs, bellows, and toots with tempo speeding up then slowing down harder and harder to bear as to when it will reach its culmination.  We listen through it experiencing what the Conductor has composed as if He has been through it Himself. We are numb, fatigued though the grief continues.

Grief may appear as a slow, low burning ache that flares up from time to time, many times, out of nowhere. It seems rude, horrifying, obnoxious, sobering, pitch dark, hides down in the depths, and drags the body and soul as if together they were coming out of a hole. Random tears, blank stares, forgetfulness and perhaps a sense of feeling lost or unsure about his/her own life, goals and direction show up at odd times. Then, questions like, “Why? Why do I feel this way? How do I go on?”

Grieving of the Supportive Partner

While recognizing the grief of your spouse, see also your own grief. As you learn what he/she is experiencing as well as in yourself, this will help you to extend compassion, love, and solace to him/her.  As you can see, grieving the loss of a loved one takes on many forms and at many different times. However, when a spouse suffers a loss of another loved one, you feel his/her grief as well as your own. Although your partner most likely had more of a bond (say a parent, brother, uncle, aunt, close friend) then you, their pain affects you. You may feel helpless wondering if anything you say or do will help bring comfort. Be patient. Be available to listen or to just be there.

Things to Keep In Mind While Offering Support

  • We are all connected – Keep in mind we aren’t to grieve in a vacuum. There are ripples that occur with loss. Each person grieving in the family or friend circle has his/her own relationship with the deceased.
  • What is your relationship currently like with the griever? — Recognize that when loss occurs, there are aspects of your relationship that are growing, healing, rough, and strong, etc. Be aware of these yet recognize grieving has its own effect on your relationship. Further, realize your interactions may change due to the grieving process.
  • Your partner’s relationship with the deceased – Were they close? Distant? Conflicted?
  • Your relationship with the deceased — Were you close? Distant? Conflicted? Not connected?
  • Everyone grieves differently — Although there are similarities as defined in the process of grief stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, finding meaning), they are displayed and managed differently

Providing Support for Your Spouse’s/Partner’s Needs

Suggestions based on what you know of your spouse/partner:

  • Write them a note of encouragement
  • Text simple yet meaningful messages such as “I’m here for you”, “Just thinking about you”, “I’m praying for you”, “You mean a lot to me”, “I love you”
  • Go to your spouse and just be there. “I’m here if you want to talk or just hang out”
  • Get him/her a simple “thinking of you gift” including flowers (even to guys), a card, etc.
  • Give your spouse space
  • Offer hugs
  • Keep your composure when your partner seems irritable
  • Encourage your spouse to seek counseling or spiritual help
  • Ask what he/she needs from you
  • Invite reflection of the memories of the deceased…be gentle, be understanding, don’t pressure, be attentive even if he/she may be tearful or get irritated, angry
  • Keep him/her in the relationship decision making loop
  • Don’t give up on him/her
  • Be the spouse/partner not their counselor

Provide…

  • Your understanding when your partner is out of sorts, not himself, she seems lost or struggling with simple or routine tasks, your understanding is important.
  • Your strength…calm, assuring
  • Time to grieve fully
  • Space but not neglect
  • Steadiness, predictability

Identify what you are experiencing as you go through grieving with your partner                         

  • What is your story with grief?
  • Recognize your own thoughts, feelings, action, and attitude in this time of grieving
  • What is your own grieving with the deceased?
  • What wells up inside of you as you experience grief of your own in the present with your partner?

Grieving is a natural and normal response to someone we have loved or felt truly connected with. You are not alone as you walk alongside of your grieving spouse. We are here to help you sort out your one grief, your own struggles, and to offer solace during this time of grief.

To learn more about getting counseling through grief, click here  For counseling for depression, click here or if you would like to meet as a couple for counseling, click here.

Feel free to contact us by email at jo**@************on.com or by phone at 520-292-9750