Getting Control of Your Anger Instead of It Controlling You

• Do you find yourself in a bit of tension?
• Do you get into a rage only to later wonder “What happened”?
• Do you get irritated with “stupid” people?
• Does your quick “tongue” get you into a jam?
• Have you ever lost a relationship due to your anger being out of control?
• Have you lost a job or jobs because of your angry outbursts?
• Have you found yourself holding in your emotions, letting them build up and build up only to all of a sudden just “explode” with anger?
• Has your anger got you into trouble or unintended consequences?
• Does it seem sometimes that your anger blindsides you and just jumps out like an impulse?
• Do you find yourself trying to apologize over and over again for the same thing?

Anger is very common and a feeling expressed by most if not all of us in one form or another. There’s a multitude of people from all walks of life, cultures, religions, socioeconomic statuses, and from many professions who struggle with controlling their anger on a regular, daily or even moment by moment basis. With multiple stressors, increased demands on our time and energy, economic strain and uncertainty, life pushing us in many directions, the frustration level can grow and grow until we just have “had it”!

As counselors, we have helped many of our clients work through their anger and frustration so they can manage their anger and stress as well as helping them to improve their outlook on life. What is it about anger that one battles with? Let’s take a look at anger — what it is, why we have it, how it is expressed, and what we can do to manage it.

 What is Anger?

Anger is a strong intense feeling associated with irritation, hate, rage, dislike, or hostility. It can be seen as a state of being mad, annoyed and often filled with frustration. When many people identify anger, they associate it with actions such as yelling, sarcasm, intense facial expression, screaming, punching, kicking, throwing things, fights, depression, and even the “silent treatment”. It could also be understood as two or more people butting heads in disagreement or being irritated with each other. Further, it may even be a way of self-defense when one is cornered, attacked, ignored or other such tactics from others.

Why Anger?

It is a basic human response or reaction as part of our survival or self-preservation. However, there are many reasons why we may get angry. Here are some examples. Fear…fear of the unknown, failing, rejection, and others to name a few. Not getting your needs met the way you want them met. Feeling you are being “judged” or prejudiced against. Wanting to avoid a person, group or situation you feel uncomfortable with or not in control of. There are many other reasons and you may take a moment and add a few yourself here.

How Is It Expressed?

There are many ways it is expressed. It may come out in sarcasm. Saying things that are rude, inconsiderate, coarse joking, put-downs are ways of expressing it in a sort of back-handed way. Other ways are in the form of physical or verbal outbursts. You may find yourself arguing with a partner, slamming doors, smacking a table, punching a wall, yelling out at yourself or others, kicking things, and other physical aggression toward others or yourself. You may also be less physically aggressive and hold it more inwardly. For example, you may be passive by being continuously late for appointments, canceling a meet up with friends, family or work-related meetings at the last minute. You may also smile while hurting, agree with others without expressing your own opinion, not wanting to hurt other people’s feelings while seething inside with rage. You also may avoid others by not talking to them, “scheduling” other activities in order to not be around them or even avoiding a task that irritates or frustrates you. Depression may also be an indication of an inward long-standing form of anger moving deep into bitterness. Keeping hurt, fear, shame, guilt, past pain all bottled up inside tends to cause depressiveness intertwined with rage, hate, and sorrow.

How Do I Control It?

Accept that you are angry. The reasons may be many or one. However, it is yours. Take responsibility for your own stuff. Yeah, breathing helps and counting 1 to 10 and backward from 10 to 1 can help slow you down a bit and may be enough for you at the moment. Taking an immediate time out if possible, removing yourself from the person or persons or situation in order to calm down and recenter yourself. Also, redirecting your energy to something productive not destructive may help. These are temporary. You need to address the much deeper things inside of you being in order to better control it. Taking an inside look may seem scary or perceived as counterproductive Remember: ultimately you have to be in charge of you.

Pathways Counseling Services provides private, compassionate, and supportive counseling with counselors ready to help you address your anger. Our counselors are educated and experienced with diverse backgrounds, styles, and approaches. You are valued and worth being understood by a counselor who truly listens to you while showing unconditional regard and acceptance.

Give us a call or send us an email to discuss or arrange a time to meet to see what we can do to help you with managing your anger and look to solutions for a better you.

Call at 520-292-9750 or email at joel@pathwaystucson.com

Kerry Kelly, Jerimya Fox, Thea Thompson, Anne Sheffer, Jessica Miceli, Allison Hanzel, and Joel Ackley are counselors available to help you manage and work through your anger.