Wow…okay, that sounds pretty weird, or maybe a bit creepy. Like petrified, horrified, magnified, or perhaps satisfied. But what is parentified exactly? Did I experience it? Is it contagious? What do I do with it? As an adult looking back for a moment, you may discover many things that ring true for you from your childhood.

You may or may not have heard of this term but it holds significance to those who have experienced it. The suffix -fied or- fy means to form into, to make or to become. Thus, parentified means one who has been made into or has been formed into a parent.  More specifically, it is when a parent or caregiver makes a child become a parent with adult responsibilities. Also, it may be when a child and parent reverse roles or a child is burdened with being a “grown-up” before they are ready or mature.

Another way to see it is that you as a child may have become a surrogate or replacement for a parent. If not a parent, then treated as a grown-up while still being a child. It is not uncommon in a single parent home for pre-teens and teenagers to be given the role of a surrogate spouse, partner or friend. This creates confusing roles and blurring the line between child and adult.

As little children…

we weren’t given an instruction manual. We didn’t know what our roles were to be, how to behave, or what we were to learn, or how to interact with others. Much of this was taught to us by our parents. We knew instinctly that we needed love, care, nurturance, security, structure, and a place to grow, explore and learn. It was all new to us and we were curious. In healthy homes, those instincts are met by a mature parent and a positive parent-child bond formed. A healthy attachment occurs. However, those who have been parentified, followed a different script for their lives. Not only were they an actual child, but were also expected to act like adults.  For parentified children, functioning as a parent or adult was “normal” not knowing the long term effects it would have.

Let’s reflect back for a moment looking at some possible signs that you may have been parentified.

As a child you…

  • Found yourself routinely checking to be sure mom or dad was okay
  • Were fending for yourself (like meal prep, cleaning, getting to school, doing your homework with little or no adult supervision)
  • Felt overwhelmed with so many responsibilities
  • Had days when you were alone for long periods of time
  • Felt awkward or confused with how to play or “be silly”
  • Had a strong sense of responsibility to get your homework done, care for the home and those in it
  • Found yourself in the middle of adults problems or arguments
  • Needed to be in control of your environment
  • May have heard other adults praise you for being so helpful and grown-up
  • Felt insecure with yourself and your decisions
  • Had very few friends or inconsistent friendships
  • Struggled with trusting others…especially adults or older siblings
  • Were tasked with assisting your parent/s in their care and/or other siblings

Now, as an adult, you…

  • Have vague memories of what it was like being a kid
  • Often find yourself becoming a caregiver for those around you
  • Feel good about caring for others even when it keeps you from getting your own needs met
  • May feel “walked on” by others
  • Feel insecure in close or romantic relationships
  • Get overwhelmed or stressed out with basic tasks or when your routine is disrupted
  • Have a very difficult time trusting others or you blindly trust others
  • Struggle with setting and keeping boundaries in your personal or work life
  • When asking for help, get little or no help
  • Feel undeserving of love or being well
  • Get little to nothing from others after pouring so much into their lives
  • Obligate yourself to be the “peacemaker” or “referee” for others
  • Greatly desire for your children to get the childhood you didn’t have
  • May struggle with knowing who you really are
  • Have difficulty making lasting decisions
  • Feel lost, alone in the adult world

Unintended Outcomes

Does any of this seem familiar? You may find yourself trying so desperately to put all of this behind you only to find it is still there. Perhaps you may try to ignore what happened. “I just gotta suck it up and move on”.  You may try to determine to avoid everything your parents did or didn’t do. Possibly you fight to be sure none of what happened in your childhood ever happens to your children. Yet deep inside there is a hurting child wanting to be okay…to feel safe, secure and normal.

Recognizing these signs and outcomes with the painful memories they bring is the beginning steps to your healing and wholeness.

Healing

See your healing as a process, as a journey. Here’s some more steps in the process

  • Recognize part of you that is “stuck” in your childhood. Many authors refer to this part as your inner child.
  • Accept your inner child as a part of you…this is part of self-acceptance
  • Recognize the difference between a healthy and unhealthy childhood
  • Take responsibility for your healing
  • Practice self-care
  • Realize how you were raised was not your fault
  • Take inventory of your unmet needs (such as love, nurturance, acceptance, encouragement, structure, to be heard and understood)
  • Explore your creativity; explore your “playful” spirit
  • Discover the meaning of trust in relationships
  • Distinguish and develop healthy friendships
  • Learn about the value of setting and keeping healthy boundaries (physical, social, mental, emotional, spiritual, sexual, financial)
  • Grieve the loss of the parent/s you needed as a child (and now as an adult)
  • Determine to see yourself healed and deserving of being well

You Are Not Alone

There are many times if not daily that you may feel alone in this struggle of being “normal” or feeling that sense of belonging. Further, this whole grownup thing seems so overwhelming that there are times of anxiety and depression. You are not alone in experiencing these things. We here with Pathways Counseling Services are here to walk alongside of you in this journey of healing. Reach out to us and let us know.

Call us at 520-292-9750 0r email us at joel@pathwaystucson.com