Here you are as an adult. When you were a kid you may have thought your childhood was “normal”. Whether your parents stayed together or not as you grew up, your needs were met (as best you understood at the time). Nonetheless, life seemed to be what you knew. You did “kid” stuff. Played with a friend or two, your parents worked, you made PB&Js, and got cereal to eat. You also did your homework (most of the time), played video games, read books, watched TV, and so on. Yet you may have felt bored, empty, perhaps longing for a more consistent parent. Someone to listen to you, go to your games or performances, one to give you structure, teach you right from wrong.  You needed a “healthy” consistent parent.

Further, did your parent truly know “how” to parent you effectively? Perhaps they were a bit “broken”, scattered, stubborn, or rebellious with their parents? However, they may have had their own abuse or trauma they went through. Truth is, you lived through a lot, went through stuff that most every kid would never want for themselves let alone for you. Here you are and ready to put “all this crap” behind you. Let’s look at some emotional neglect and wounds, reactions (behavior) from them, the impact on your life, and healing from them (in Part 2).

What are these wounds?

 To better define and understand this article (with Part 2), we will combine both childhood emotional neglect and wounds. Both are necessary to address together as wounds are more overt while neglect is more covert. Emotional wounds will be the phrase of choice here though both are interchangeable.

Further, identifying emotional wounds are not necessarily to assign blame but to understand these wounds have a significant impact on your life. They are worth understanding in order to overcome them. First, let’s define them. Emotional wounds are known to be “invisible” as they are in our psyche. These are hurts that create uneasiness in your spirit that may feel much like anxiety, fear, frustration, or sadness. They appear when you may interpret a situation or relational interaction as threatening, humiliating, or shaming. This may be in the form of rejection, abandonment, betrayal, unfairness, or condemnation (or more understood as judgment). Almost always the wound is given by someone you know or an institution (like a friend group, church, school, club, team, etc.). Sometimes it may come from an acquaintance or a complete stranger. Also, keep in mind that there are things that are said or done that may be hurtful but fade away. Emotional wounds, however, are felt as haunting and seem to stay with you until you heal from them. Secondly, to further understand these wounds, let’s identify them in three broad types.

 Wounds summed up into 3 broad types

  1. Relationship
  2. Protection/Security
  3. Values

Relationship Wounds

  • Being overly “loved” but under valued
  • Feeling patronized, “You’re just a kid…you don’t really know what it’s like”.
  • Being compared to your siblings or others
  • Having your ideas dismissed or ignored
  • Not being included in family decisions
  • Being humiliated in front of others
  • Not having your thoughts, feelings, or personal decisions acknowledged
  • Needed to express yourself to an understanding adult who wasn’t around in time
  • Lack of encouragement to develop your own thoughts, ideas or creativity
  • Given “everything” but time
  • Toxic positivity with dismissing “negative” feelings
  • Lack of difficult discussions…on identity, dating, sex, finances, body changes, problem solving skills
  • Love or encouragement based on performance or achievement
  • Poor open, honest communication
  • Comparing you to a “loser” in the family. “You’re just like you loser dad…”

Protection/Security Wounds

  • Lack of or excessive authority without love and respect
  • Having your anxiety or moods dismissed as, “oh, that’s okay…you’ll get over it”
  • Mostly being raised by social engineers…social media, movies, technology instead of by parents
  • Leaving you physically or emotionally abandoned without explanation or availability to connect
  • Being shielded from reality without real life problem-solving skills
  • Not having adequate discipline in life to keep focused on mundane or difficult tasks

Values Wounds

  • Hearing “I love you” but not feeling it being shown to you
  • Were not taught good social skills or boundaries (mental/emotional, relational, spiritual)
  • You were asked to make choices that are supposed to be made by your parent
  • Not expressing successes and/or failures…no learning moments
  • Lack of nurturance of healthy beliefs, values, principles for living
  • Rules without love, respect, empathy, grace, or forgiveness
  • Parental unwilling to apologize or getting an apology without behavior or attitude change
  • Guilt dumping on you without open discussion
  • Preparing you for adulthood in the real world (financial/economic matters, dating, work values) didn’t exist

Therefore, many times throughout your life you may have accepted these wounds as normal and a part of life. Yes, to a degree, most everybody experiences these wounds. Further, these wounds may not have been intended by the giver to be wounding, however, they may have been received as wounding.  Whatever the intent of the giver of these wounds, they carry a significant impact on your life and many of them to this day.

The impact of the wounds today in you in relationships

  • You struggle with asking for your needs to be met “How do I ask for…”
  • Second guessing your own parenting motives
  • Shoving down your own feelings as if they don’t exist. “I don’t want to start anything”
  • Minimizing your own thoughts, feelings or ideas, “oh, it’s no big deal”
  • Attempts to over prove your worth in the family “I gotta be there for everybody”
  • Dismiss your own needs for the sake of others’ needs “I just can’t say ‘no’”
  • Become defensive if someone points out your mistakes “There’s no room for error”
  • Be sure everyone is happy around you “I feel safe when everyone is happy”
  • From being the good kid to being the great parent “I hope they notice all I do for them”
  • Lack of internal validation or confidence “I just don’t see what they see…I’m just not good enough”
  • Emotional dysregulation “I just don’t know what to feel…I’m just gonna scream”, “ahhhhh!”
  • Impatience in times of not knowing what to do “I should know how to do that”
  • Being very independent “I just don’t want to burden anyone”
  • Practicing the imposture syndrome
  • Attempt to overcompensate with your own children for what you missed as a child

We have found in mental health counseling that these wounds are very common in our clients. You are not alone in having them and you don’t need to carry them alone either. We are here to help walk alongside of you through your healing process for relief, hope, healing, and a restored you.

Feel free to visit our pages on Anxiety Therapy, Depression Therapy and Grief Counseling