As from part 1 of emotional wounds, we discussed what they are, how we get them, and the impact of them on your adult life. Now, let’s move from childhood emotional neglect wounds towards the present. Let’s look at current behaviors or mannerisms that may give us subtle or obvious clues to what’s stirring inside. Then, we’ll move into healing from those wounds into hope, joy, and peace.

Although you may not realize it, habits are formed as we adapt and adjust to our environment and the people in these environments. Your personality, you needs, and your learning style are included in you establishing habits.

Behaviors associated with emotional neglect

 Often times you may act the way you were taught. Not just from words spoken but more so from the behaviors demonstrated by your parents, older siblings, friends, and others of influence. Further, you may spin your behaviors for survival, out of your personality, and formed by your beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and experiences. However, you do have choices, yet knowing how and why you make these choices will be highly important in your healing.

Let’s sum up the majority of these behaviors in the following:

Fight  

This may be seen as pushing back, becoming immediately defensive when you feel threatened emotionally (as well as physically, relationally). Other things associated with “fight” are rebellion, angry outbursts, literal fisticuffs, or a passive/aggressive stance.

Why fight? There is a need to be “seen” to be accepted or understood as a child (as well as an adult). When neglected, a child needs to have an authority in their lives to look up to. Then you, being overt, causing a stir that you didn’t want ignored, push the adult to respond.

Flight

What is generally associated with “flight” is running, hiding, or avoiding. This is when you go to your room or closet until you go to others for comfort, help, and direction. You may have spent a lot of time by yourself when there was either nothing to do or your parents were “fighting”. You try to figure out things on your own. Leave the house for days going to a friend’s house, staying at grandma’s place, or anywhere but home. You just wanted to be safe, be yourself, and be understood without being harmed.

Why flight? Perhaps you wanted to avoid pain, rejection, fear and shame. Why battle when you could duck and cover? You may have said to yourself, “If I’m not seen or heard, then I’m safer this way”.

Freeze

This happens when feeling defenseless, unsure of what to do or just overwhelmed with intense fear. You may have experienced ongoing anxiety, helplessness, or depression. However, you may have been considered the “easy” child. Never got into trouble, did your chores, homework, and never got into trouble. You were the “good kid”. Nonetheless, you found yourself alone, playing by yourself for hours. You had your own routine of self-sufficiency. You knew what to do; to not be detected when chaos arose. There were those secret hiding places. Otherwise, you played video games, read books, watched videos, movies, scrolled through social media, etc. You “never” ask for your needs to be met because mom or dad “had enough problems of their own”.

Why freeze? Although you had a typical routine, the sudden burst of intense yelling, slamming things, or just intense chaos triggered your body, emotions, and thoughts to shut down. You had no control over the situation or the family around you…stuck in an emotional “no man’s land”.

“Fawn” (or people pleasing)

This is a more progressed, elaborate or “intelligent” response to emotional abuse and usually developed over time by pre-teens and teens. Further, this may coincide with a formed “trauma bond” with your identified abuser. A trauma bond is when you are identified (usually subconsciously with an internal identity triggered by receiving ongoing threats, intimidation, put downs, accusations, etc.) as a victim. There is a cycle of reinforced abuse intertwined with signs of misguided affection. Additionally, there is apologizing and “gaslighting” by the abuser. As part of fawning, you may have found yourself doing anything and everything to please your mom or dad (or caregiver), apologizing for anything that upset them. You may have said to yourself, “If I please them, then they’ll be nice to me, see me, and accept me”.

Common fawn responses include:

  • No (or very little) emotional, physical, spiritual, or social boundaries
  • Lying with a smile, believing it is true no matter what to please others
  • Saying what others want to hear
  • Strong urge in saying “yes” to others’ requests even when you want to say “no”
  • Taking on the responsibility for someone else’s emotions or mood
  • Saying, “I’m sorry” for anything that may be “wrong” or not acceptable
  • Attempting to predict future behavior in order to avoid saying or doing something that might upset others
  • Being sure not to talk about things that would upset your identified abuser
  • As for the abuse, justifying the abuser’s actions concluding it was “best” for you
  • Over giving of compliments to the abuser; being sure he/she is “happy”
  • While sharing about a disturbing event, you smile, laugh or minimize the experience
  • Ignoring or minimizing your own feelings, needs, wants, or ideas
  • Believing you were to blame for the abuse
  • Taking on a “parental” role with siblings; being their “surrogate” parent
  • Denying or not asking for your own needs to be met
  • Not presenting any type of anger, sadness, or hurt especially with the abuser or friends of the abuser

Why fawning? While as a victim you “bonded” with the abuser for self-preservation and survival. You may have determined you could get your own way by pleasing or “making happy” your abuser. Then, in return you wouldn’t get hurt and possibly you would get other needs met. Also, this may have been developed as a way to be in control of the abuser.

Each of these behavioral responses you may often find yourself doing today without realizing it. Though more refined and grown up, you are ready to heal and let go of the past and learn from it. You are ready, preparing to stop old patterns of survival and live life in hope, peace, and joy.

Healing the wounds

Though it may seem silly or that people may misunderstand your internal emotional pain, the wounds still have made a big impact on your life. These have resulted in negative or a lousy attitude, emotional dysregulation, distorted beliefs, disruptive thoughts and undesirable behavior.  Throughout the journey of healing, there are many self-discovering moments. Sometimes better known as “ah, ha” moments. This journey has a few steps and a process. Remember: you are walking it not alone but with a compassionate, supportive mentor or therapist.

Steps in the journey

We are all on a journey…a journey of life. Yes, it has its ups and downs, twists and turns and wounds. In order to heal, there are some steps to go through…not alone here. Here are primary steps, stages in this your journey.

  • Name the wounds, recognize the scars
  • Challenge negative beliefs
  • Grieve the loss of needs needed to be met
    • We as humans have certain needs that go throughout all generations
      • Need to be loved…genuinely, unconditionally
      • Need to be seen…as a unique human being…seen as you
      • To be accepted, appreciated, valued by others especially our primary caregivers
      • To be a part of a family, a team greater than ourselves
    • Be the change you need
    • Stop blaming and own your part in your healing
    • Learn to re-write your script
    • Accept the wounds as a part of you but not ones that define you
    • Look up to living a fulfilling, satisfying life with honor, dignity, respect (for self and others)

In summary, recognize that wounds turn to scars. Allow them to remind you of where you have come out of towards health and well-being.

These steps, stages are better done with help. We are here to help you walk through them. You can do it.

You may contact us at 520-292-9750 or complete the contact form below.

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