We as people on this planet make connections with each other. We each have different roles, positions, friends, family, neighbors, and so many others we come across. Many people we meet once or twice and in different settings or situations while others we see on a daily or near daily basis.  Most times we choose who and how we make that connection. Making contacts, establishing more time in connection with others may result in establishing a relationship and possibly friendships. What if, however, you find yourself connecting with someone that is known to you but it’s vague. The connection has no clear definitive nature.

We Need Connection with Others

So, how do we “label” these connections? There are multiple definitions of who and how we connect. For example, we meet people at parties, church, concerts, the gym, work, on vacation, and so many other places and situations. We may label them as strangers, acquaintances, friends, situationships, relationships, close friends, or best friends.

Let’s focus for a moment on a type of connection. When there is relationship uncertainty, this points to a primary theme of situationships. For many, this is a new way to describe a relationship. Let’s look further at this phenomenon.

What Is a Situationship Anyway?

A situationship is loosely recognized as an undefined “romantic” or fantasy like relationship. It usually starts out in the context of a “situation” where there is a vague attraction based on basic human connection. It’s usually starts as spur of the moment or spontaneous. It is vague, unclear and has “potential” for something more but “no one really knows” where it is going. There’s more of an exploration vibe than a “dating” or “hook-up” vibe. No labels, no commitments, no clear path, just hanging out on a whim like, “I’m not doing anything…wanna hang?”; “Yeah, why not?” It would seem like two bored people that have a situation connection, mixed with some sort of romantic flavor or blurry attraction. It’s like strangers seeing each other at a coffee shop (situation) and saying “hi” (with a smile) to each other (having a moment) then the situation repeats randomly over the next month. A few more words are said, maybe some light flirting, then nothing. Later you may see the other person at another place or event and say “hi” again and decide to meetup.

Examples of How Situationships Happen

  • Meeting up with a distant “friend” who is in town for a few days
  • Someone you met at an AA meeting
  • A connection you had while visiting a loved one in the hospital
  • Someone you “run into” or see at the grocery store or gym
  • Curiosity with someone you connected with on a past short-term excursion
  • Post breakup rebound connection you have “fun” with but no commitment
  • An acquaintance with some romantic spark
  • You want a relationship with some spark but no labels

5 Key Characteristics of a Situationship

(per Dr. Susan Albers)

  1. No traditional labels
  2. No clear or understood boundaries
  3. Off and on contact or connection; superficial contact
  4. No integration of each other’s circles of influence
  5. No growth or clear end to the connection

Each of these characteristics have no root for growth, understanding. It’s like a seed a farmer throws on the path that takes no root. It is vague and superficial which goes against the basic human need for connection with meaning. It seems to point to a lack of hope, foundation, bond or attachment. It might be said, “As long as we are together without commitment we won’t hurt each other or get close with each other”.  Further, there may be a fear of being liked, fear of being hurt, low self-esteem, or a lack of confidence. Also, one may truly not know what a healthy relationship looks like as home life was very dysfunctional.

On one side, situationships are like being in middle school and discovering the “opposite” sex and are frightened about connecting with them. On the other, it’s like having a history of bad, failed relationships that haven’t been safe or fulfilling.  So it seems like a “try before you buy” kind of relationship. At first, they can be fun, mysterious, different than the norm, and just to take the edge off of boredom. However, they are usually short-term and differ from formed relationships.

5 Distinct Differences between Relationships and Situationships

  1. Relationships usually start with curiosity, basic attraction (physical, emotional, spiritual), simple trust, honesty, and some common interest or interests. Situationships, however, have vague and unclear attraction or curiosity with no drive for trust.
  2. Situationships have no sense of direction in the interactions with boundaries not considered. Conversely, relationships seek to establish a course of interactions, boundaries, and expectations.
  3. In relationships, growth is considered for mutual benefit or improvement for the “couple”. Growth, however, is not a situationship criteria and benefits or improvements are mere coincidental at best.
  4. Situationships have no expectations and in fact avoid needs or longings altogether. However, relationships seek to have certain needs or longings addressed and possibly met at some point in the relationship process.
  5. Relationships seek reciprocity for potential bonding and attachment. These too are avoided and may be frightening to those in situationships.

5 Red Flags a Situationship Has Gone Too Far

  • It’s all one-sided, lacking any give and take
  • Fear or realization of being “played” by the other; unsafe vulnerability
  • One clearly undervalues or “uses” the other
  • Staying in the vague after many meetups; secrets held with plain dishonesty about “us”
  • You are feeling sad, anxious or stressed out when you’re about to meetup

It’s Time for Some Help

If you believe your situationship has any of these red flags or is becoming weird or “toxic” then it’s time to step back and evaluate it. When you get to this realization (feeling), it’s time to get some help.  Old stuff keeps coming up and you know you need to deal with it. You are not alone. Many clients we have seen have had struggles in relationship building, carry low self-esteem, history of abuse or trauma, failed relationships, and are ready for change. This can, and is often scary at first, yet getting through it with a trusted counselor is a start.

For more about relationships go to our Relationships page

Feel free to contact us at 520-292-9750 or email jo**@************on.com.