Ugh!!! It’s over. You find yourself in life after a rough divorce or breakup. Now what? A whole bunch of thoughts, feelings, and actions come out of it. So, where do we go from here? Let’s reflect for a quick moment to see what led us up to this time in life.  Reflecting will help us move forward.

Much of the human experience is built on relationships with each other. With certain relationships, they deepen, become more personable, relatable, and romantic. The couple decide to hang out more and more and eventually decide to share their lives together. Marriage occurs, they are happy. Then there are times when things change. Life happens. The relationship changes either slowly over time or with one or two significant events. The relationship falls apart. Many will make attempts to “fix” or improve the relationship, ask the other to join in counseling or see a priest, pastor or some trusted mentor.  Some will actually seek help which may improve the immediate condition. Many who go to counseling can reach their goals and avert disaster. Many may not. Then, the unraveling, the conflict, pain, and disconnect from each other.

Brokenness and Healing

After the “dust” settles (though that may take a while), moving forward after divorce is necessary. Okay, you’re exhausted, perhaps relieved. There is so much energy spent, needs or expectations not met, lies, mistrust, emotional hurts, loss of dreams, and the list goes on. You may have asked, “How did it get to this point?” “Why?” “Is there healing through all this?” “How can I move on?” So, let’s take a look at healing steps, ways of reflecting, and then moving forward.

Some Steps toward Healing and Reflecting

Allow yourself time to grieve

Grieving is part of the journey of life. We encounter various types of loss which each has their own level of intensity. However, loss of relationship is one of the greater losses we encounter. You may experience a pushing away from others, move on like nothing happened. You may also find yourself angry at “all men” or “all women”, irritated at little things with children, family or friends. Further, you may wish things were different or play the “what if” game in your head. Sadness may sink in and you feel the weight of the loss. Then, accepting the loss with defining more meaning into your life story.

Seek professional help

Many, many clients who come to grieve or recover from a divorce or breakup wish they had come to counseling sooner. Sitting on your anger, hurt, sadness, or loneliness may drag out for a long time causing much physical, mental and emotional distress. This blocks or prevents you from healing and regaining your sense of relational purpose.

Practice self-care

With all the changes associated with the dissolving of the relationship, self-care usually gets set aside for everyone else in your life. Now, take the time to be with “healthy” friends, take up a simple hobby, examine your eating and sleeping habits, and be around positive people. Pray, cry out to God in your despair. Consider journaling your thoughts and feelings, share some of it with your therapist, a mentor, pastor, or priest.

Embrace change

Many times we may want to stay stuck or don’t know what to do. You’ve been in the same routine for a long time and now everything seems to be upside down. However, there will be changes in your routine, relationship with the ex, how the children or others react to the new “situation”.  There will be some changes in your relationships in general, yet for others not so much.

Slowly meet new friends

This will take time as the friends you had with your spouse or partner knew you as a couple and now you are an individual. However, you may have friends that you knew or know that only know you as an individual and not as a couple. Connect with them. Be cautious, be slow to share, create common ground in interests not in negative experiences.

Take the time you need in making big decisions

This is very important when one goes through loss. Consider support from others in discussing these decisions. Whether it’s moving, changing jobs, selling or buying big (expensive) items, pray, seek wise counsel, discuss it, and be patient in the process.

Release the past gunk

This will include forgiveness of the other/s, forgiving yourself and consider seeking forgiveness from others. Further, let go of the pain, the past that is destructive. Journal it out.

Learn from the experience

Ponder the good, the bad, the ugly and even the mundane. How have you grown as a person? How have the wounds given you strength and courage in your present life?

Moving Forward

  • Practice and embrace acceptance
  • Validate your feelings while keeping them in check
  • Follow through with ongoing self-care
  • Take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings, actions, and attitude
  • Re-examine and as necessary redefine your life goals
  • Keep a log of your experiences along with lessons learned
  • If a parent, develop (as able) a co-parenting plan for your children
  • As a parent, take time to spend with each of your children
  • Consider volunteering or pursue a hobby of interest
  • Expand your friendship circle
  • Maintain support from others while also being a support for them
  • Process your changes with a counselor or trusted professional

If you find yourself stuck, alone, having difficulty coping with your divorce or breakup, you are not alone. We as compassionate, supportive, objective counselors are here to help walk alongside of you through this difficult and stressful time. Reach out to us and start your journey toward your healing, reflection, and the will to move forward with your life.

Learn more about counseling for divorce or breakup

Give us a call at 520-292-9750 or email us at jo**@************on.com